What the hell is the matter with our school? Why is it that College Park attracts the most brazen sexual deviants for miles around?

Reflect for a few moments that the following thought process actually went through someone’s head three weeks ago: “I could masturbate, but instead I’m just going to break into someone’s house and climb into their bed. Then I will fondle them. They won’t mind.” How creepy is that? Do our peer institutions have guys like this? The University of Virginia is probably happy to let us have the largest open mall in the country in exchange for bottling up all the sexual nutjobs.

But let us not forget the Hagerstown Hall showers! It seems that because National Treasure 2 had such an easy time filming here, more studios are sending crews for new projects. How lucky are we that studio buffs have pinpointed Hagerstown Hall as the perfect location to film Porky’s 4? Unfortunately, this iteration of the famous franchise seems to have less giggling coeds and dick-pulling, and more unwashed old men (it will still receive 3.5 out of 5 stars in Thursday’s Diamondback).

These episodes are only the most recent developments. The lore of public sexual perversion runs long and deep here at the university. Who doesn’t remember the gentleman who masturbated on a Shuttle-UM bus last year? If you don’t, or you’re a freshman, go ahead and read that sentence again. A man masturbated on a Shuttle-UM bus. Can someone please explain to me what drives a man to rub his erect penis on a moving vehicle in front of a horrified audience? There is no joke here. That is just not right.

Of course, this happened concurrently with the happy-go-lucky “window masturbator.” This guy was such a tease, he wouldn’t even let you know he was there. He would just stand outside your house and stare at you through your window. Then he would pull down his pants and masturbate on your front lawn. I’ve heard that makes the grass grow thicker.

Still, no discussion of the university’s sordid past would be complete without mentioning the word “McKeldin.” This fable of autoeroticism has been told countless times to infinite people. It has taken on a myriad of forms, but the common plot always stays the same: A man in either a trench coat or sweat suit runs around the stacks of McKeldin. His muscles and tendons pump furiously as he engages in an awkward dance of sprinting masturbation. Finally, at the moment of climax he greets an unsuspecting book or female patron with a nasty surprise. This shrouded villain has famously become known as “The McKeldin Masturbator,” and he might be in a study carrel on the sixth floor right now because he’s never been caught.

Fact is, something is rotten in College Park. The sexual deviancy is bad enough, but I’m sure it’s not unique and can be found on college campuses all over. My concern, which should also be your concern, is the public, brazen nature of the acts. Even more troublesome is how much bolder these creeps grow every year. Think about it. From year to year, do you hear inflating stories about dick-wielding psychos from friends at Rutgers, Penn State or UMBC? I wish I did, but I don’t.

It isn’t fair. How come we have to deal with the 30 percent chance of robbery and 35 percent chance of seeing some guy stroke it every time we leave the comfort of our homes? Maybe we are an incredibly oversexed group of kids. Maybe we are an incredibly undersexed group of kids. Maybe we just have rotten luck. Either way, this might be something we need to put more effort into policing and preventing.

Every cloud has a silver lining, though. We are, after all, always clamoring for campus traditions to call our own. Why not make Maryland known for crab cakes, football and public masturbation?

Daniel Kobrin is a senior government and politics major. He can be reached at dkobrin@umd.edu.