Sometimes, you know, these things just write themselves.
Go find Monday’s paper and read the lead story, “State agency investigating DOTS’ vomit cleanup policy” by a nice girl named Lauren Redding. DOTS — the Dicks Overt To Sense, I think — is having an issue with how it handles puke on the buses. Because, I mean, somehow this needs to be made clear: Sitting in vomit is not OK.
And here’s where I have to break, because yesterday morning DOTS announced that their buses are clean and that their vomit cleanup is up to state standards. Even though MOSH — the dudes doing the investigation — haven’t said anything yet, this is a big victory for DOTS. Congrats guys, it turns out that “the vomit of the typical college-aged student” doesn’t present enough of a risk of blood-borne pathogens for you guys to get in trouble. P.R. victory for you.
Nonetheless, we’re at this point where DOTS — which I’m being told actually stands for “Department of Transportation Services,” but the backspace key is for cowards — got into hot water because people questioned their “vomit cleanup policy.” I’m sorry, but it just seems like that’s one of those policies that no one should ever have questions about. Like the “don’t let the bus drivers drink” policy. Or the “have gas in the tank” policy. Just basic stuff.
No but seriously, DOTS, a congratulations is in order. According to you, you’ve deftly avoided the bullet of being the people that drive buses full of HIV around the campus. Now all I have to worry about when I ride one of your fine automobiles is the guy to my left masturbating.
I don’t care if the vomit that may or may not be on DOTS buses is “clean.” Transportation Services is still running away with the “worst department on the campus” championship again like Jimmie Johnson (hey, NASCAR fans, there’s one for you). People think the football team is bad this year, but if they were coached by the guys who run DOTS, they’d be running around the field with their helmets on backward and eating paste on the sideline. Three sports analogies in one paragraph? DOTS is like the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers: just an unbridled disaster.
These are the same people who in February wasted $200,000 on new state-of-the-art parking meters — but at least the good news with the meters was that they are low enough to the ground that we can finally start charging a certain privileged group that’s had it too easy for too many years. It’s time you faced justice, disabled people!
I’m in the wrong line of work. The fact that the state had to launch an investigation here is ridiculous. There is so much slack for the higher-ups at DOTS that they could hop in those white vans and spin donuts on the football field if they wanted to.
Shit’s gotta stop. It makes me want to puke.
Rob Gindes is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at gindes at umdbk dot com.
