I’ve decided to come clean with my transgressions. Everything I’ve said and done is a bold-faced lie. Everything. Remember that time I yelled at the fat kid who farted in class? Well, it wasn’t him. It was the hot chick sitting next to him. I saw her lean to the side and seep it out.
Okay, enough with this petty confessional. The only thing I have to confess that matters is that I have nothing to hide. Nothing. Living in College Park has taught me a thing or two, and one of them is to come clean on all counts, especially with the parents. I know, it sounds like I’m some squealing child, but everyone in college has to report to someone — don’t think you’re an exception.
This sort of thing is definitely a problem for most students. An identity crisis is more common here than any given schizophrenic ward. We all roll deep, some deeper than others, but do our parents know our true college identity? My guess is no. The first thing we should stop doing is splitting ourselves in half to appease parental authority while secretly causing campus-wide ruckus. Seriously, no one likes a split personality. I learned this lesson as a young chump, and it works.
Now, I’m sure we can all agree that our parents weren’t sliced by some giant cookie cutter. They’re all different in their own right — some are hood, some are fly and some just watch the time pass by. Regardless, they all agreed to let us go to this maniac institution, so they have something in common. But still, the problem remains: Why do some of us hide the truth from our parents? Is it a guilty conscience? Maybe for you it is, I don’t move to that beat.
I’m not suggesting we issue our parents a statement of misconduct every week, but if they ask a question, answer it truthfully. The people who fumble this fundamental principle and get caught are the ones who give our school such a bad reputation. Before I even came here, outside sources warned me of the reckless parties, neglectful administration and human sex trafficking. Lies, all lies. It all happened because some of us couldn’t handle our own shit and face the truth. Why else do you think the Prince George’s County riot squad enjoys maliciously beating our students? Because we lie about silly things to get us out of trouble. Come on guys, it leaves a bad impression of us, one that is really hard to change.
So, while mothers around the nation lean back on the one day our yearly calendar celebrates them for, we should be kind enough to be our natural selves and abandon the college punk attitude for good. I threw up mine long ago in a Leonardtown bathroom stall — and I’m never turning back. By the way, my opening sentence was a lie, mama.
Jason Kramer is a junior American studies major. He can be reached at kramer at umdbk dot com.
