airplane
I recently spent an eight-hour flight actively hating the man sitting directly in front of me.
This man — the man who caused my blood pressure to soar, my anxiety to reach an all-time high and my sleep deprivation to increase tenfold — thought it was a great idea to recline his seat until he was literally lying in my lap.
I didn’t even know airplane seats could recline like this, but this man pushed it to the limit. He acted not as though he were on a cramped airplane but in his basement watching football on a leather recliner.
But no, we were not in his basement; we were 38,000 feet in the air, and I lost a night’s worth of sleep. I spent about two hours passive-aggressively kicking his seat while the rest of the passengers slept peacefully, but the only solace I got during those long eight hours was when he went to the bathroom and I slammed his chair into the upright position, only to have him come back and re-recline two minutes later.
This horrendous experience, which I don’t wish upon even my worst enemies, inspired me to explain the simplest of airplane etiquette for people who are clearly oblivious. And believe me, they’re out there. So if you travel the world this summer, please keep this information in mind.
The overhead bins are for carry-on luggage. If you feel the need to make everyone in your aisle get up every five minutes so you can go to the overhead bins and get a book or something, you are traveling incorrectly and need to stop immediately. If you want to read a book, use a laptop or listen to music on the flight, please plan accordingly and put these things with the personal item you are allowed to take on the plane. Honestly, how many things could you possibly need to get to in your luggage? The answer should be none if you know how to pack.
I also would like to stress the importance of keeping your shoes on. This is not a tropical beach, people; it’s an aircraft, and no one wants to see your feet. Think of all the people that have walked on this plane before you, and most importantly, think of your fellow passengers before you strip your socks off.
On my glorious aforementioned eight-hour flight, the movie Paddington was playing. If you are not familiar, this is a children’s movie about a bear. I would like to emphasize that it is not by any means Aziz Ansari doing stand-up with the flight attendants, which some other people on my flight did not seem to understand. I can guarantee you that whatever it is you’re watching, it’s not hilarious enough to the extent where you need to crack up laughing and snorting. Come on, guys. It’s a CGI bear eating some honey; let’s get it together.
Lastly, please eat all of your Whoppers and Big Macs and sodium-infused french fries before you get on a flight, especially if it’s an extremely long one. While the smell of fast food can be tempting for just about three seconds, it’s nauseating and extremely unpleasant for everyone else on the plane who has to watch you eat it.
Honestly, if I were the owner of an airline, I would invest more time in making a video about these atrocities rather than one about how to put a seatbelt on.
