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Pumpkin Spice Lattes, pumpkin spice muffins and even pumpkin spice Greek yogurt — a single flavor now represents an entire season.
The flavor, that of a squash boiled down with a mountain of sugar and other flavors, wouldn’t be touched in its natural state. Don’t get me wrong, pumpkins are great. They make jack-o’-lanterns and…
OK, so the only thing to do with a pumpkin is attempt to cut it open without slicing off your fingers.
To solve the useless-pumpkin problem, Starbucks introduced the Pumpkin Spice Latte (or #PSL, for those of you who speak basic) in 2003. Ever since, every “basic white girl” has made September her favorite month because she “totes can’t even liiive” without one.
Starbucks, along with Panera Bread, Dunkin’ Donuts and every other place with a coffee machine, have bombarded us with their pumpkin-flavored confections as though, when the leaves change color, all we want to consume for three months is squash and nutmeg. But somehow, since its release, customers have drank it up. Starbucks has sold more than 200 million Pumpkin Spice Lattes since its introduction and, at roughly $4 per cup, the PSL has grossed at least $800 million.
Everyone’s favorite fast-food restaurant, McDonald’s, jumped into the pumpkin spice latte business last year and clearly is trying to make up for lost time. I heard an ad the other day that went something like this:
Really annoying girl with high-pitched voice: “Ooh, I can tell it’s fall already!”
Second equally annoying girl with an equally high-pitched voice: “Why?! Is it chilly?”
Girl 1: “No…”
Girl 2: “Are the leaves changing?”
Girl 1: “No…”
Girl 2: “Tell me!”
Girl 1: “The pumpkin spice latte is back at McDonald’s! I can’t wait for my next coffee break!”
Girl 2: “Ooh! Make that our next coffee break?”
Not only did it pander to women, it made them sound so unintelligent and so simple-minded that it was almost insulting. Apparently, we don’t understand the passage of time until we get our hands on a $2.96 cup containing 10 grams of fat and 48 grams of sugar. And with a mile-long list of mystery ingredients, forget about any reasonable amount of actual pumpkin.
Five sips of the latte make me nauseous and my teeth feel as though they’re going to rot out of my mouth. But I’ll be honest, I do enjoy the occasional pumpkin muffin, and pumpkin is hands down my favorite flavor of pie. The point is: Everyone knows you can have too much of a good thing, so why is pumpkin an exception?
In arguably the most beautiful season, we could obsess over hayrides, haunted houses, apple picking and corn mazes. But instead, we decide it’s sufficient to drink our dose of sugary, artificial-tasting syrup and call it fall.
Chill out with the pumpkin spice, people.
