The Devil Wears Prada is ready to descend from its dusty place on your largely ignored shelf of DVDs and premiere itself in a bit of a different setting: Broadway.
The production company in charge of adapting the film into a Broadway musical recently announced the hiring of Paul Rudnick and Elton Johnto help bring the iconic comedy-drama to the stage. In anticipation of what could very well be one of the most groundbreaking ideas since florals for spring, I composed a list of possible song titles to be put in the musical, along with descriptions of which characters would be involved and specifics in regards to tone and genre. Some titles are direct quotes from the film while others are just an attempt to summarize the vibe of the plot at a particular moment. If this wasn’t already clear, there are many spoilers involved, in case you’ve managed to avoid this movie for the past 10 years.
And Elton John, if you’re reading this, feel free to take notes.
“Alright Everyone, Gird Your Loins”
This is one of the opening numbers of the show, an upbeat tune with a very pointedly choreographed dance number. A scene in which a Stanley Tucci-type playing Nigel alerts the staff members of Runway magazine that their dragon-lady boss Miranda Priestly will soon be arriving and they better shape up. In a perfect world, this would be done with the whole cast on roller skates, just to drive home the rushed feeling of the number.
“You Think This Has Nothing to Do With You”
This is an opening and character-defining solo for the Miranda. It’s a slower and more difficult song, a time for the leading actress to really show off her vocal range. It would take place as Miranda describes to Andrea, her newly appointed and dowdily dressed assistant, that she’s not smarter or more alternative for avoiding the latest fashion trends. This number should involve a fire cannon in some way. Also, ugly sweaters will fall from the ceiling.
“You’ll Take What I Give You and You’ll Like It”
Andrea is finally changing her ways and leaving her librarian wardrobe behind in favor of some designer names. This is a duet between Andrea and Nigel as Nigel gives fashion advice. This number is the first major song for Andrea. The whole chorus rallies behind the two leads, chanting “Chanel boots” repeatedly as Andrea makes her grand entrance into the office from a raised runway that descends from the back of the stage into the audience.
This is the first and only song for Emily, the other extremely hardworking assistant trying to please Miranda, who has been stricken with an illness at an inconvenient time. The actress playing Emily will have to sing this very nasally ballad and perform a tap routine while blowing her nose.
“Stephen Isn’t Coming” alternatively titled “Dragon-Lady’s Lament”
If this were Cats, this song would be “Memory.” This number is a huge show-stopping ballad performed by Miranda as she finally shows some level of humanity and breaks down while discussing her current divorce from her husband. The audience will surely be in tears.
“I’ve Been The Devil This Whole Time”
Andrea finally realizes that in trying to keep up in the fashion world, she has lost her own identity. While driving with her boss, she finds she’s no better than the venomous backstabbing woman she resented all along. Andrea will soon relinquish her duties at Runway in favor of pursuing a career in the type of journalism she loves, but not before she performs this piece while suspended 20 feet above the stage in a prop car.