Way back in January, I read an article online about a newborn baby in Brazil who weighed 17 pounds. I don’t know much about childbirth, other than I quickly switch the channel if I see the show that documents births. (I think it’s called A Baby Story, but it might as well be called Danny is Really Glad He Was Born a Boy and Will Never Have to Go Through That.)

Despite cringing at the sheer physics involved in delivering a 17-pound baby, I’ve held on to this story for nearly 12 months because one of the article’s secondary headlines read, “Diabetic mother delivered by Caesarean.” Why the birth of a woman took precedent over the birth of a giant baby is beyond me. But, for 11 months now, I’ve tried unsuccessfully to work this headline into a column.

Come to think of it, I’ve had a lot of ideas I could not fit into columns this year. Thankfully, the holiday season is when everyone makes their “Best of 2005” lists. So let’s call the aforementioned headline the “Best Explanation as to Where Moms Come From” and see what else was “best” since Jan. 1.

Best Line Overheard in a Conversation between Two Annoying Guys: I was riding the Metro when two guys sat down across from me. I knew instantly they were annoying because they were going back and forth telling the types of stories about women that only the guy telling them finds interesting, which all start like this: “Once, at this party, I met this girl-” After the two discussed Florida State University co-eds (consensus: they’re hot), one of the guys said, “I’ve never met an ugly Mormon.” I was too busy worrying the jarring comment would derail the train to notice the other guy’s response, but I have an idea as to what he said: “That’s nothing. Once, at this party, I met this girl-“

Best Reason Why I’m Going to Hell If I Believed in Such a Place: Okay, I admit it – I’ve scanned tickets twice at basketball games this year and immediately left. But I had a good excuse both times and have no plans to do it anymore, unless Jessica Simpson needs my shoulder to cry on, again.

Best Image Not Included in Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”: At home a few weeks ago, I was walking toward my house with my dad when we saw a U-Haul – on the back of a tow truck. That’s ironic, don’t you think?

Best Way to Ruin a Good Song: A recent Sports Illustrated story about Duke opened with J.J. Redick driving his car listening to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” I was devastated. All the songs in the world, and he had to pick the one I claimed as mine several columns ago. Well, I’ll get my revenge, J.J., because when you come to College Park, I’m going to do something never done before. That’s right; I’m going to boo you, loudly. I just hope I can get the people seating nearby to join me.

Best Hypothetical Raised by R. Kelly’s “Trapped In the Closet”: If you could be trapped in one person’s closet, whose would it be? I always return to the same answer: Hamburglar. I know I won’t starve in his closet, and there’s always the chance Grimace could be the one to find me.

Best Quote from Someone Else Named Danny Jacobs: In the April 14, 2005, edition of The (Baltimore) Sun, airline passenger Danny Jacobs talked about the new federal ban on lighters on airplanes. “It’s kind of a nuisance because it’s another thing to think about and I’ve had this smoke on my mind the whole flight since flying gives me the jitters,” Danny Jacobs said. For those unsure, two easy signs let you know this Danny Jacobs was not me: first, I do not smoke, and second, I get the heebie-jeebies or the whim-whams, never the jitters.

Best Reason I Love Writing This Column: That would be you, dear reader. Thanks for checking in once a fortnight. I hope you had as much fun as I did. To those graduating, good luck, and I’ll see you in the real world soon. To those coming back in January, see you then, and may your winter break be as beautiful as (apparently) every Mormon in the whole, wide world.

Danny Jacobs is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at jacobs@umd.edu.