Danielle Wilkin
Every little girl dreams of her big white wedding with the dress that makes her feel like a princess and a cake half her height. We practiced our vows with stuffed animals and rehearsed father-daughter dances, even though they most likely wouldn’t be meeting our future husbands for more than a decade.
But now that we have reached an age at which getting married is a legitimate possibility, there is a lot more to consider than which Jonas brother will await us at the end of the aisle.
Before we even begin to plan our romantic ceremony and fun-filled reception, we have to first find a man willing to stay with us until death do us part, and second, be asked by him to do so.
Watching videos of dramatic and extravagant marriage proposals always leaves me wondering if all that planning and plotting involves asking the future bride’s father for her hand in marriage. I hope it does.
Before you collapse to your knees and start to mourn the death of feminism, hear me out. There are plenty of legitimate, not patriarchy-fueled reasons for suitors to share their intentions of marriage with their future in-laws.
I personally don’t consider asking the father of the bride for his blessing the same as asking for his permission. For me, it is more about the groom-to-be asking to be a part of his future wife’s family as well as expressing his intention to welcome her into his family. Obviously, women are completely capable of choosing our own husbands, but it is reassuring to know that our families support the choices we make.
By pre-popping the question to the father and mother of the future bride, a potential husband is showing that he values his partner’s family and their opinions. The groom is acknowledging that he is not just marrying his bride, but marrying into her family.
Some of us plan to take our husbands’ last names when we get married, which noticeably severs a tie to our families. This change is not one to be taken lightly. If my groom-to-be intends on hijacking my father’s last name, the least he could do is ask for my father’s approval. It is a courtesy that demonstrates the respect my future fiance has for my father and our family.
Before making life-altering decisions, you usually consult and seek advice from those around you, so why should a marriage proposal be any different? And who better to ask than the two people who raised the woman you want to marry and probably know a thing or two about what it takes to make a relationship go the distance? Opening an honest dialogue with your future in-laws will pave the way for a positive and sustainable relationship, which will no doubt come in handy if they opt to live with you and your spouse instead of in a nursing home down the road.
Though history might have us believe the main reason to ask for a woman’s hand in marriage is because she is not allowed to make that decision on her own, I prefer to think of it as a tradition that marks the beginning of a peaceful and joyous union of two families.
Danielle Wilkin is a senior biology and secondary science education major. She can be reached at dwilkindbk@gmail.com.
