I know you’ve seen them around. If you step outside in any moderately-populated metropolitan area, their loathsome presence will be made obvious to you. At first it appears as a standard winter coat, a bulky parka designed to brave the winter conditions. Suddenly, the bright blue patch with red trimming catches your eye, and you realize: This is no ordinary winter parka. Your broke, mortal form has come across a Canada Goose jacket, one of the most inexplicable winter trends to grace the East Coast and cities all over the globe.
Maybe owning one of these four-figure cold shields would be fine if you were some sort of explorer who would literally die without flexing in a $1,550 coat due to the nature of the work you do. But if you’re reading this from the University of Maryland, you’re technically in the South, and it rarely gets colder than the low 20s during a regular winter here.
So if you’re considering dropping more than ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS on a WINTER COAT that is made from DEAD COYOTES, I have compiled a helpful list of alternatives to purchasing the pricey goose jacket.
1. Like, five of these North Face jackets
Let’s be honest. Do you want the Canada Goose jacket because of the features? The ones that could be found on most other winter parkas over $100? Or are you buying it because you feel that unignorable itch to stunt on homeless people dying of cold on the city streets? Say no more.
For less than the price of one Canada Goose jacket, you can buy five North Face parkas. Get them in different colors so you can still display your preference for grossly excessive luxury! These coats are filled with real down, have great reviews and use faux fur — which is cool since Canada Goose jackets have actually driven up demand for coyote pelts, which is sick if you want to wear a dead dog around you. So sick.
2. 1,608 hand warmers
You want warmth, don’t you? Isn’t that why we’re here? Well, look at how easy I made it for you. I found this pack of 24 pairs of hand warmers and eight pairs of toe warmers on Amazon for about $23. For the same price as a $1,550 Canada Goose jacket, you can buy about 67 of these boxes. That’s more than 1,600 pairs of hand warmers. And 536 pairs of toe warmers. You know I really care, because I’m a humanities major who just did math to help you.
Tape them to every inch of your body for each day of the winter. You will never experience cold again. Your wealth will be obvious, but not like the rest of those sheeple in their parkas. Your wealth is in HotHands.
3. 65 dog parkas
Does man even deserve warmth? Or luxury parkas? Amidst all of our greed and hatred and selfishness, a part of me thinks not. Who is loyal, pure and the most deserving of a basic utility at a premium cost? Dogs, probably. The craze for these coats has gotten so big they make a “Canada Pooch” version for dogs, but it’s only $23. So just buy, like, 65 and give them out to all the dogs you see to restore the karmic balance of coat energy.
Or just buy the Canada Goose jacket. Everything is bleak.