Deep dark secret time — I used to own some Kidz Bop CDs. Naturally, this was before I was cool and could listen to songs with words like “fuck,” “shit” and “fuckshit” — so if I wanted to listen to the songs I already heard on the radio, I had to buy the Kidz Bop versions to put on my iPod nano™.
Then I started listening to big-kid music, and I completely forgot about the horrendous covers of popular songs by what can only be described as a posse of singing children.
But Kidz Bop is still around, and in 2017 they’re covering songs like Post Malone and Quavo’s “Congratulations.”
And yes, it’s horrendous.
If you can make it through the entire song (like I did), DM me on Twitter and I’ll give you a personalized ribbon.
If not, I can hardly blame you. I’ve already heard the Post Malone frat-anthem a good 1,000 times too many, but I never realized how good Post Malone’s Bud Light-lubricated growl was until I heard his track performed by a choir of pre-pubescent kiddos about a decade away from the legal drinking age.
There is even one kid who does “skrt” and “brrrp” underneath his verse.
Trap music is essentially pop music now, and while I’ve been listening to Migos, Future, Young Thug, et al, for years, there’s a generation that will grow up listening only to autotuned vocals and codeine-slurred trap anthems. And while I’d love to think that’s a good thing, if it leads to a generation of kids like these Kidz Bop kids … we’re probably fucked.
Nah, we’ll be fine — if I turned out *ok*, then these trappin’ preteens can too. Now give me the Kidz Bop Young Thug album I’ve been dying for.
“Take them boys to school, swagonometry
Hold up! Hold it, hold it, yeah let’s proceed
I’m a eat the
booty Oreos just like groceries”