An Inconvenient Youth is a weekly satire column, in which everything is made up and the jokes don’t matter. All views represent the estates of Joe Biden and/or Kanye West.
Citing increased security concerns due to daily crowds of Pepsi-wielding protesters, Senate Republicans have announced they will begin storing their spare key to the Capitol Building in Mitch McConnell’s ample jowls. The order, which received rare bipartisan support, will take effect immediately following Judge Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation to the Supreme Court.
“This was a matter of public safety,” explained Utah Rep. and world’s only unlovable beaver Jason Chaffetz. “We needed a spot where no reasonable thief would even think to look.”
“This plan comes with a built-in security system,” Speaker Paul Ryan added between pushups. “Whenever Mitch feels threatened, he just retreats into his shell. Sometimes he won’t come out for hours until we promise to either give him some fresh pumpkin or deny health insurance to 9/11 first responders.”
While the hole left behind by Sen. Marco Rubio’s escaped spine was originally intended as the key’s hiding spot, Senate Democrats filibustered the motion by arguing that such a cavernous void would prove an impractical storage location. Republicans eventually backed down, and after debating the merits of hiding the key in either Sen. Lindsey Graham’s fainting couch or Sen. Bernie Sanders’ third vacation home, both sides ultimately agreed on “The McConnell Plan.”
An anonymous source confirmed the final agreement was hashed out during a dinner attended by prominent lawmakers, Vice President Mike Pence and Mike Pence’s wife.
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and intrepid political locksmith reporter, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at email@example.com.