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In solidarity with Wednesday’s International Women’s Day protests, the White House will begin a new “Four Years Without a Woman” initiative to demonstrate the lack of female representation in government, press secretary Melissa McCarthy Sean Spicer announced this morning. The program will build on current national “A Day Without a Woman” strikes, and will take effect immediately for all cabinet appointees in the executive branch until Jan. 20, 2021.

Noting recent criticism directed toward the government’s policies regarding gender equality and women’s health, Spicer expressed his utter delight in learning about a protest “which so clearly aligned with our administration’s values.” “I think the president has been really progressive on this issue,” Spicer explained. “Most liberals only care about taking women out of the workforce once a year. We’ve been focused on this since Inauguration Day.”

When asked how banning women from serving in cabinet positions would promote a narrative of equality, Spicer responded, “It’s not a woman ban! You called it that! We’re temporarily banning individuals with woman-majority bodies, that’s all.”

But while prominent administration officials and coincidental penis-havers Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon all unequivocally voiced their support for the initiative, reports indicated that some White House staff have raised internal concerns. One inside source detailed an alleged incident where Kellyanne Conway was asked to leave the West Wing complex. When she resisted, Secret Service agents pointed to a recently installed “No Girls Allowed” sign hanging on the Oval Office door, and briskly escorted her off the premises.

The new policy is expected to serve as a template for the administration’s future diversity agenda, as senior advisers were quick to suggest further efforts to promote inclusion. The consensus favorite “Four Years Without a Black Man Not Named Ben Carson” is slated for implementation later this spring.

Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and future recipient of an all-caps tweet from our Commander in Chief, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at