In a statement released early Wednesday afternoon, DOTS notified University of Maryland officials that Testudo, this university’s iconic bronze terrapin statue, had been towed for illegally parking outside of McKeldin Library.
The beloved metal mascot, which overlooked McKeldin Mall for the past 50 years, accumulated 1,287 unpaid parking fees, according to a senior Department of Transportation Services employee. “1,286 overdue tickets we could deal with,” the administrator explained, “but 1,287 was just over the line.” The official, who requested anonymity because it would sound really cool and secretive, clarified that “at first we tried calling animal control to remove the turtle, but they wouldn’t stop laughing at us and hanging up the phone.”
Eventually, the department took a break from terrorizing this university’s commuter students to impound the stationary reptile. After initial efforts failed, they enlisted the help of varsity basketball star and noted entrepreneur Melo Trimble. When asked why they recruited the junior shooting guard to assist in the statue’s removal, the administration responded that Trimble already had three years of experience carrying large terrapins away from home.
This isn’t the first time DOTS enforcement agents have stirred up controversy with their overzealous ticketing practices. Recently declassified reports detail citations issued to cars paused momentarily at stop signs, lunchtime customers in line at the Stamp Student Union Chik-fil-A and pedestrians walking just a bit too slowly on campus sidewalks.
Reuven Bank, Opinion Editor and guy waiting to bail a metal turtle out of DOTS’ impoundment lot, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at email@example.com.