The United States legal system had a career year in 2016, as countless high-profile lawsuits dominated media airwaves. Corporations, tabloids and billionaire orangutan-demagogue hybrids all got in on the act, producing such classic cases as Oracle v. Hewlett Packard, Peter Thiel v. Gawker and Donald Trump v. Everyone. In fact, there were so many prominent courtroom battles that unless you were as vigilant as a paranoid college student on the lookout for stray clowns at midnight, you may have missed some important legal drama. Therefore, I have assembled a timeline of the most eye-catching lawsuits over the past 12 months that may have slipped under your radar.
Oct. 28, 2015:
Ted Cruz, professional senator and amateur Dracula cosplayer, is prosecuted for character defamation by the Zodiac Killer. The judge rules against Cruz, declaring that the Texan’s personality was so unpleasant that the constant zodiac allusions were giving the serial murderer too much bad press.
Jan. 22, 2016:
Following Elon Musk’s announcement that SpaceX would send a person to Mars by 2022, Mars files for a restraining order against all of humanity. “We sent a probe down to Florida to check for intelligent life, and when that didn’t find anything, we sent another one checking for any life in general,” Mars explained. “Based on what we saw you do to your coral reefs, glaciers and beloved Cincinnati gorillas, we’re going to take a hard pass on the whole interplanetary colonization thing.”
Feb. 13, 2016:
In an ironic twist, famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson litigates Procter and Gamble for unpaid wages, insisting that his sleepy debate performances were actually just 90-minute long advertisements for NyQuil.
May 19, 2016:
Kim Kardashian arraigns her husband for alimony payments, alleging that for months he cheated on her. As evidence, Kardashian cited how he would often sneak off to write long, poetic love notes professing his affection for “some guy named Kanye.”
July 8, 2016:
Bernie Sanders, Vermont senator and old man who crankily complains about the youth while feeding pigeons from a park bench, sues a Brooklyn restaurant for having the “chutzpa” to charge $7.98 for a corned beef sandwich. He contended that “99 percent of the sandwich is covered in 1 percent of the mayo. This deli is rigged.”
Sept. 5, 2016:
The Fraternal Order of Fashion Police finally drags one of their most notorious fashion fugitives to court. When asked why they requested Pope Francis be indicted for a first-degree assault on style, the organization explains that “every year he wears white after Labor Day. Everyone knows only Kanye is allowed to do that.”
Reuven Bank, opinion editor and writer who objectively makes too many Kanye jokes, is a sophomore ecology and evolution major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.