The PG-13 studio horror film is often the cinematic equivalent of soft-core pornography. In films such as The Messengers, the remakes of When A Stranger Calls, Prom Night and now The Uninvited, filmmakers, hamstrung without the availability of more graphic imagery, resort to filmmaking cheats. Making someone jump because an image pops onto the screen as jarringly loud music plays is not artistry; it’s comparable to a doctor tapping your knee for a reflex test.

More troubling is the fact that there was no need to use tricks to try and create a compelling film from The Uninvited’s scenario. Anna (Emily Browning, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events) returns home from a mental ward, still troubled by the untimely death of her mother. She arrives to find Dad (David Strathairn, The Spiderwick Chronicles) living with her mother’s former nurse Rachel (Elizabeth Banks, Zack and Miri Make a Porno), who she and her sister Alex (Arielle Kebbel, Forever Strong) rapidly become convinced murdered their mother.

Much of the film follows Anna’s is-she-paranoid-or-not rising suspicions of Rachel, a similar template to the also PG-13-rated What Lies Beneath. That film used strong performances, deeper characterization and effectively constructed situations of tension to truly earn its fright factor. The Uninvited just packs on the out-of-nowhere jump scares.

Because each successive ghost sighting – posited in the film as parts of Anna’s dreams – is quickly followed by a jump back to reality, they lose any sense of menace.

And as far as lack of menace goes, Banks is hamstrung by some questionable plotting in the third act insofar as how cruelly she is allowed to behave. As a result, she underplays her wicked stepmom role and even, in her faux pleasantness, lets some of her natural jolliness sneak out. Ultimately it’s a disappointing attempt to stretch beyond comedic territory.

The magnificent Strathairn is completely wasted, with precious few lines and even fewer chances to emote in a role, essentially relegating him to bystander status in the story. Browning comes off blandly in the lead, leaving little impression beyond an interchangeable young woman in peril. Really, the only character getting much of anything out of her role is Kebbel as the spunky Alex, who is substantially aided by receiving the lion’s share of the few intentionally funny lines in the script (Her opinion of Rachel: “She’s like a coke whore, only with less dignity”).

Apart from those few funny lines, the entire film is consistently hindered by its script, a greatest hits collection of horror clichés. A character is shocked by the arrival of someone completely innocuous. The frightening ghosts include creepy children and an undead being sneaking out of a dark corner (whose stuttering rise from the ground laughably calls to mind Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video). Characters lack the common sense of any member of the audience, conveniently ignoring the existence of cell phones, car locks and simple logic.

And not only does the dialogue struggle to engage interest, but it sometimes proves accidentally humorous, most notably during a quote from nurse Rachel on her job history: “I wiped old people’s asses for a living, and I’ll assure you they were not all beautiful … like your mom.”

Most despairing, though, is the film’s attempt to be original through several twist endings, each more unbelievable than the one preceding it. The Uninvited coils upon itself until it’s not only implausible, but overtly self contradictory. The final reaction is one of skepticism and laughter, despite the film’s attempt to go out on a viciously punchy note.

There have been numerous films like The Uninvited released, and there will be more so long as the demand exists. Made on limited budgets, the aforementioned Messengers, Stranger Calls and other films of this ilk sometimes recoup nearly all their production budget in their first weeks of release. People continue to turn out, and so Hollywood continues to churn out.

The Uninvited is not something you watch; it’s something you are made an accomplice to. Save your money and borrow your doctor’s reflex hammer instead.

Dan.benamor@gmail.com

RATING: 0.5 out of 5 stars